Body Image is a Bitch

Having a poor body image is like an illness.  All of us have encountered it.  It's like a disease that impairs your ability to see yourself in a mirror.  No matter what people tell you and no matter what size jeans you have on, you somehow throw all logic out the window and convince yourself that there are nothing but negative things to be seen.  It's a terrible situation.

I am glad that I know that body image is just the image I have of myself.  It's not even real.  It may as well be a hallucination because that is exactly how much truth is behind what I am thinking about myself when I have a "bad body image attack". 

The funny thing is that I used to be really over weight.  I shopped at plus size stores only
and somehow had a decent body image.  I felt like my clothes fit well and I looked good.  Everyone told me how great I was all the time and  generally people were very nice to me wherever I went.  It was like everyone accepted me as the "fat girl", including myself.  I was not a threat to anyone and did not expect to get hit on which made me very comfortable around men.  I was just "one of the guys" and everything was cool.

The trouble really began when I lost over a third of my weight.  Suddenly there were expectations.  During the weight loss process, I started to feel like everyone was looking at me and my changing size.  It was flattering, but still uncomfortable to have discussions about my weight all the time.  It made me much more aware of my looks and somehow brought a doubt into my life that had not been there before.  I knew I was strong, smart and funny, but it had never occurred to me that I was supposed to be thin and pretty too.  Because I was focusing on it so much I got trapped with the image of me as "the fat girl".  That's who I saw in the mirror and that's who I acted like in public.

 It took a couple of years for me to see the new thin me.  The thin me has a lot more bad body image days than the old me.  I just have to remember to forgive myself for thinking negatively and believe that I will see the real me in the mirror tomorrow.